I came across a heart wrenching statement Sunday afternoon (while reading through some old articles on disability) reminding me of a tragic tale of desperation and hopelessness:

“We wish we had known she was feeling this desperate; we would have done what we could to help her.”

Those were the words of the Morgan Autism Center executive director, Jennifer Sullivan, in San Jose, CA after hearing about the tragic death of one of their clients, George Hodgins.

George was a 22-year-old autistic man who lived at home with his parents and had attended the autism center since he was 6 years old. “He was a good kid, a very good kid. He loved to be outdoors, he loved hiking and walking and doing things like that.” Sullivan said.

This was probably a rather accurate description of the man-child everyone at the center knew as “George”. But there is a terrible darkness shadowing the world of disability that few people realize.

George’s mother, Elizabeth Hodgins, was overcome by that darkness last year as she shot her autistic son to death in his bedroom before turning the gun on herself.

I cannot even begin to imagine the desperation, depression and hopelessness that leads to this kind of atrocity as a viable solution.

There are so many feelings that went through my mind when I first heard this story. I have to admit, anger was the first. How could a mother murder her disabled adult child? My anger quickly turned to frustration as I read the statement from the director of the autism center, “We wish we had known she was feeling this desperate; we would have done what we could to help her.”

Really? You knew this family since George was 6 years old, and you had no idea that they were struggling so deeply?

And then my anger and frustration dissolved into personal conviction and self-realization. Wait, I have been in this valley! I have stood in this darkness where no hope can be seen. I have looked into the future and seen nothing but pain and sadness. Jacob’s father is no better than George’s mother.

After the shooting, the autism center sent out a note to the parents making them aware of the situation. “I got back lots and lots of comments saying, ‘We have all been there,’ and, ‘We’ve seen the black hole.’ There’s no question these children are difficult, and these families need help.” Sullivan said.

“But let me tell you,” she said, “parents of kids with autism are under a terrific amount of stress. Many of these children don’t sleep at night. They wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning, and one of the parents has to get up, because they need constant supervision. It’s an exhausting experience.”

Exhausting, relentless, desperate…often seemingly hopeless. Those are all words that flood the thoughts of these weary parents.

“Parents of autistic children can focus so much on day-to-day tasks that they rarely look ahead at their future,” Sullivan said. “Then it hits them…my child is going to always be with me.’ They ask, ‘When is it going to end?’ But it doesn’t.”

As I read and reread this tragic article, the urgency of ministry ignited my resolve.

This is why I write, teach and preach. This is why faithful men like John Knight blog and proclaim the glory of God in disability in the midst of great suffering. This is why men like Justin Reimer labors relentlessly (often in poverty) keeping The Elisha Foundation afloat like a rescue boat for these hurting families. This is why ladies like Julie Brown and Carrie Fellows and The Lakeview Ladies sacrifice every year to bring these families together. This is why Darlene LaPlue and the folks at Manley Baptist Church throw huge, costly, Luke 14 dinner parties every year reaching out to hundreds of families with the love and gospel of Christ. This is why Joni Eareckson Tada proclaims God’s glory from a wheelchair and writes of hope in the midst of the darkest suffering.

And this is why Mike Woods and the Not Alone Blogging Team share their lives as struggling parents of children with disabilities to thousands of other struggling parents.

We’ve all been there. We are fathers and mothers and men and women and children who have walked through this valley. We know this darkness well.

We also know the only light that can shatter this darkness is the light of the gospel. And so for us, the “If we had known…” has turned into “We know…” And because we know, we will proclaim the hope of the gospel to these desperate, hurting, and often hope-less families.

If you are reading this today, we want you to know that there is hope. No matter how dark it may seem, there is hope. No matter what you have done, there is hope. No matter how unknown your future may be, there is a gracious God that has gone before you to prepare the way. He stands proclaiming with outstretched arms, through the cross of His Son and the promise of His word, “There is abundant hope waiting for you!”

• Psalm 39:7 “And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.
• Psalm 42:5 Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God.
• Psalm 62:5 For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.
• Psalm 71:5 For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O LORD, from my youth.
• Psalm 119:114 You are my hiding place and my shield; I hope in your word.
• Psalm 119:147 I rise before dawn and cry for help; I hope in your words.
• Psalm 130:5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I hope.
• Proverbs 23:18 Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off.
• Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
• Lamentations 3:20-22 But this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end.
• Acts 2:25-26 For David says concerning [Jesus], ‘I saw the Lord always before me, for he is at my right hand that I may not be shaken; therefore my heart was glad, and my tongue rejoiced; my flesh also will dwell in hope.
• Romans 5:2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.
• Romans 5:3-5 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
• Romans 8:24-25 For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.
• Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
• Romans 15:4 For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.
• 1 Corinthians 13:7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
• 2 Corinthians 1:10 He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again.
• 1 Timothy 4:10 For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God, who is the Savior of all people, especially of those who believe.
• Titus 1:1-2…for the sake of the faith of God’s elect and their knowledge of the truth, which accords with godliness, in hope of eternal life, which God, who never lies, promised before the ages began.
• Hebrews 16:18-19 so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain.
• Hebrews 10:23 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.
• 1 Peter 1:3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.
• 1 Peter 1:13 Set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
• 1 Peter 1:20 [Jesus] was foreknown before the foundation of the world but was made manifest in the last times for the sake of you who through him are believers in God, who raised him from the dead and gave him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. (Romans 15:13)

–Greg Lucas

“I don’t know what the future holds for my disabled child, and it scares me to death!”

This is probably one of the most common comments I hear from parents in the community of disability. My advice usually comes in the form of backward-glancing experience, and sounds something like this:

“The providence of God is not a mountaintop where we stand and look outward at the future unfolding before us. Instead, it is a place we run to in faith and grace, only to understand its implication on our lives as we look back on our course.”

Or as Kierkegaard put it, ”We live life forward, but we understand life backward.”

Nearly 20 years ago, I walked into the Wayne County, WV courthouse with my wife to attend one of the most important events of our lives. We sat at the end of a long wooden conference room desk holding a tiny baby. We were young and hopeful. Our intentions were innocently naive and our plans were as big an ocean before us.

We didn’t know it at the time, but God’s plans were even bigger.

The adoption hearing was scheduled for 10am sharp. The judge sat at the opposite end of the table looking at his watch. Except for the short bouts of nervous conversation and the babbling coo of the baby, the room was silent as we waited for the case to officially begin. The judge was not looking at his watch anticipating the end of the hearing. He was watching the clock to mark an exact beginning.

It was to be strategically exact because the baby’s biological father refused to waive his parental rights. He didn’t refuse because he was an outstanding human being, a conscientious objector, or even a caring dad for that matter. The biological donor in question was a drug addict with an extensive criminal history, who only knew he had a son because we had to search him out to eliminate the vacant spot on the birth records where the father’s name is supposed to appear. Still, he refused to waive his parental rights stating in a nonchalant manner with an evil grin, “Who knows? I might want to raise me a son…someday.”

It was that “someday” that frightened us the most.

The judge gave us specific warning that if the biological father showed up to the final adoption hearing to contest, then the hearing would be cancelled and a trial would have to determine who would receive custody of the baby.

I was confident the man would not show up. Most of my confidence came from his criminal past and habitual drug use. The rest of my confidence came from a good friend sitting in a police cruiser strategically parked at the county line a few miles from the courthouse–the line the man would have to cross in his “illegal” vehicle to get to the hearing.

Still the ticking of the clock grew louder and louder.

“Let the court take note that it is now 10 am and the hearing has officially proceeded.” The judge said, looking at us with a smile.

“Do you promise to take good care of this child?” He said quickly, getting straight to the point. It almost sounded like a portion of our marriage vow, to which I answered rather instinctively and accordingly, “I do.” Kim resounded, “We will.”

He shuffled around a stack of official papers stamping some and signing others. We placed our signature on more than a few documents and the clerk officially filed them with her stamp.

“Let the court know that this child is now legally named Jacob Gregory Lucas and is now legally placed into the custody of Gregory and Kimberly Lucas as…their…son.” The judge officially proclaimed.

“Congratulations”, he said as he stood at the head of the table and shook our hands. There were hugs and pictures and smiles and tears. It was one of the greatest times of my life.

That little baby boy turns 20 years old tomorrow.

He is still an infant in many ways. Perhaps this is one of the blessings of being Jake’s dad. He still depends on me to meet his most basic needs and to care for him like a father would care for a little baby. Yet today, as we celebrate his birthday at his new home, a full time care facility for independent living, the words of the judge cut into my heart. “Do you promise to take good care of this child?”

“I do…we will”.

Yet someone else cares for my son now. A team of professionals have replaced my wife and me. And no matter how attached they get to my son, they will always care for him more out of duty than deep love.

The guilt we feel from this is often overwhelming.

At times I wish I had a clearer view of the future from that courtroom table 20 years ago. Perhaps I would have done things differently.

Yet God is good for not showing us the ending from the beginning. We would be paralyzed by fear and crippled with anxiety if we knew exactly what the earthly future had in store for each of us.

Instead He reveals the ending through our sanctified lives, little by little, step by step; giving us grace-filled, backward glances of insight and understanding. We run this race forward, leaning towards the finish line, grasping at faith to take us around the next blind curve and over the next steep hill.

And that’s the real answer to the future question–FAITH.

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for; the evidence of things unseen.” (Hebrews 11:1)

Standing in that courtroom 20 years ago I would have been absolutely overwhelmed seeing my life as it is today. The failures would be too devastating; the burdens would be too great.

But today as I look back over the past 20 years of triumph and tears, I see God’s hand of providence in my life. I recognize His perfect plan of love, grace, adoption, rescue and redemption–both my son’s and mine.

If I had a hundred lives to live, I would live every one of them as Jake’s dad. And I would look to the future through the wide lenses of  God’s past faithfulness. I would see all He has accomplished, and my heart would be at ease with whatever may come.

Happy birthday Jacob Gregory Lucas!  Whatever the future holds for us, I’m trusting in the One who holds the future–for us.

–Greg Lucas