It IS a Wonderful Life!

May 21, 2013 7 Comments

9501741_s It’s my birthday.  Please keep the spankings and jokes about looking down the barrel of 50 to a minimum.  I have no idea what you are like when your birthday arrives, but with every passing year I find myself increasingly reflective.  I can’t help but look back at years past assessing my life, wondering if this is where I thought I might be at this road marker.  Am I the woman God made me to be?  Have I accomplished with excellence that which has been set before me?  Many times as I look back at the past year I think, how in the world did I get through that?  I shouldn’t even be upright after some of the years I have survived.  Still, I can  find myself believing I was a useless, hot mess these past 12 months.

It’s way too easy for people like me to be self-critical.  Who wouldn’t get discouraged with the perpetual up-hill battle we parents of kids with special needs fight?  I always feel inadequate.  It always seems like I could be doing more for my children.  I frequently wonder, “Why didn’t I challenge the school on that IEP?”, or “Why didn’t I question the doctor on that course of treatment?”.  When I do assert myself, I think, “Why didn’t I just keep my mouth shut and trust the expert?”.   It’s a no win situation, residing in the unceasing gray area and inexact science of my kids’ unique challenges.

Yet, I know what my Savior tells me:

  • I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine (Song of Songs 6:3, NIV)
  • “I have loved you with an everlasting love;  I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.”  (Jeremiah 31:3, NIV)
  • “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV)
  • “I do not call you servants that I own anymore. A servant does not know what his owner is doing. I call you friends, because I have told you everything I have heard from My Father.” (John 15:15, NLV)
  • “For only a penny you can buy two sparrows, yet not one sparrow falls to the ground without your Father’s consent.  As for you, even the hairs of your head have all been counted.   So do not be afraid; you are worth much more than many sparrows!” (Matthew 10:29-31, GNT)
  • “My grace is all you need. Only when you are weak can everything be done completely by my power.” (2 Corinthians 12:9, ERV)

And these are only a few of the precious statements of how much He loves me, no matter what.  The last decades of my life have counted every second of the way, regardless of how the world views me.  Focusing on such tender loving words instantly refutes any self-doubts that have set in.

I am not only esteemed, I am equipped to be the mother of some pretty remarkable children.  I live that promise of Jeremiah 29:11 every single day.  This makes even the tough parts of what we go through as a family worthwhile.  The bullying our daughter with Asperger’s faces, allows us all to share in the sufferings of Christ.  The unexpected and crisis bleeds our son endures instantly turn our thoughts to the blood Jesus shed for us.  And our mission and privilege are to be lights to others in this dark world.  Our challenges create the platform for us to reflect the glory of God to others.

It IS a wonderful life!  Our lives are lives worth living.  The darkness of our trials make God’s glory shine that much brighter.  The authority we enjoy and the compassion we are allowed to share could only be earned through the school of hard knocks.  The laughter we share is magnified because of any pain we encounter.  Our blessings look enormous in perspective comparison with our sorrows.  Life’s simple pleasures are ours because we take nothing for granted.  This deep joy and contentment is not something you can buy, but every human craves.    How blessed we are when we draw close to His heart!

~Barbara Dittrich~

Photo Image Courtesy of 123RF

Filed Under: Barbara Dittrich, Joy, Living In The Moment, Scripture

Entitled

April 16, 2013 5 Comments

C's PICC Line maintenanceLife seems so incredibly unfair at times, doesn’t it?  Few things seem as unjust as an innocent child suffering.  I, for one, would rather endure any awful pain in the place of my children.  It’s easy to wonder what we as parents can do to make up for all the hurt our children with special needs endure.

After all, we as humans have a tendency to want to even the scales when life seems a bit unequal.  We want the underdog to win.  We want the rich to share their wealth with those who aren’t as fortunate.  We want “a chicken in every pot” and a roof over every head.

The sneaky demon that can surprise us in our desire for equality and justice is an attitude of entitlement.  For instance, how many of us park in the handicapped parking when we really don’t need to?  This is one of my son’s pet peeves.  “But you deserve it,” or “We’re late,” I can cajole, but he will have nothing to do with it if he’s feeling capable of being fully ambulatory.  Or how many of us naturally feel our children deserve the royal treatment because of the challenges they face with their diagnoses?  Those thoughts are not uncommon.

It’s ironic.  We spend from a young age forward trying to assimilate our kids into the general population.  We strive desperately for inclusion.  We pour ourselves into teaching them life skills, appropriate behaviors, responsibility, persistence and triumphing over their challenges with a positive outlook.  But then we see an opportunity to acquire some free tchotchkes or perks on flights or at restaurants, and our child’s disability can morph into our entitlement ticket.  We teach them the eternal vision of heaven, but then try to enforce equity through an attitude of “Because I have suffered, I deserve…” here on earth.

We need to deeply examine our own consciences before God when it comes to making accommodations or receiving assistance for our children.  While the weight of parenting a child with special needs can be so heavy, we must discern whether we rightly need the help or if taking freebees is just a reflex reaction.  I’ve had other parents tell me, “Go ahead and take the aid!  You are who it’s meant for!”  But what if I can afford to send my own child to camp?  Shouldn’t I rightly pay my share and leave that money for a family who more desperately needs it?  Do I really need to go to the front of the line at the amusement park or do I merely feel I’m entitled?  When I am not humble in such matters, I give those who are truly in need a bad name.

Please do not read this as a discouragement towards taking needed help!  I am merely saying that each of us needs to examine our own motives.  These are questions we continually need to be searching out in our own hearts and minds.  We can only come to the ultimate truth if we make daily time to spend in God’s Word.  When we do so, not only do we learn what the Lord expects of us, but we are blessed by the only book that reads us as we read it.  If we are attempting to equalize our perceived injustice through entitlement on earth, we will certainly fall short of God’s best for us.  Know that the Lord does not promise us a problem-free life.  However, He does promise to stay by our side every step of the way.  What more could we want?  Spend some time reflecting on this today, and use it to help make you the kind of special need parent that God intended you to be.

~ Barbara Dittrich

Filed Under: Barbara Dittrich, Living Life Daily Tagged With: , ,

Crushed

March 19, 2013 2 Comments

15101890_sThere are so many things about my faith life that took on deep and new meaning when I became the mother of a child with special needs.  The time leading to Easter always offers the opportunity to contemplate the life of Jesus in richer, more profound ways.  Even in the busy-ness of raising an “extra-grace-required” children, these days bring to mind stories of Palm Sunday, driving out the money-changers in the temple, raising Lazarus, the Last Supper, and so much more around Jesus’ last hours on earth.

One snap shot of that holy, pivotal week in Christ’s life always seems to hold a place of heightened significance for me.  I find a tremendous amount to identify with in the Garden of Gethsemane.  My understanding of that story took an incredible turn about 18 years ago when I learned from historian, Ray Vander Laan, the meaning and significance of the word “Gethsemane” in his “That The World May Know” video series (now called “Faith Lessons”) for Focus on the Family.

A Gethsemane is an olive press; a large, columnar stone placed on stacks of burlap bags filled with cracked olives, which renders precious oil.  That heavy, onerous rock had great worth.  Not just anyone owned such a much-needed tool.  A whole town’s economy revolved around that olive press, relying upon its mass to squeeze out a tremendously valuable commodity.  The final product of that extruding process was a liquid that was used for cooking, cleaning, moisturizing, healing and even simple lighting.

How appropriate that our Savior should spend some of the final agonizing hours of his life, moving forward with one of eternity’s most difficult decisions, preparing to bear the heavy weight of our disobedience in the garden of the olive press.  That crushing burden of facing rejection by both God and man even caused Jesus to sweat blood.  And yet, our precious salvation was bought through that rendering of Christ’s life.

God tells us that He conforms us, His loved ones, more and more into the image of His Son throughout our lives.  But unless we see the value of our own crushing burdens, we are likely to despise them.  Patiently seeing our child with severe challenges through the development of new habits and routines yields healthy outcomes.  Praying our child through painful, frightening hospitalizations builds a growing godly character in that child.  Pressing on, persevering in praise when the bills and trials are overwhelming points more and more people to their only True Hope.

I personally think back on all of the things that have weighed me down over the years parenting these precious kids with special needs, and wonder how much I have missed by fixing my eyes on the burden rather than the blessing.  What got past me because I was crying over my child having no friends?  Did my lack of faith obscure the view of the amazing things God was doing amidst the suffering?  How much richness has yet to be revealed once I get my mind off of paying the never-ending parade of medical bills?  What made me forget that there is One to whom I am yoked that gives me the strength to carry such a load?

Yes, there are many crushing parts to parenting children like ours.  But they pale in comparison to the precious things that pour forth from the weight upon our shoulders.  These are things that cannot be revealed in any other way than by heavy extraction.  What are the things that comprise your “Gethsemane”?  Praise God today that He gave us Jesus to carry that heaviness with us, so that we need not bear up under it all alone.

~Barbara Dittrich

Image credit: 123RF.com

Don’t forget to vote for Not Alone in the About.com Readers Choice Awards. You can vote every day until the contest ends March 19th!

Finalist

Filed Under: Barbara Dittrich, Grief, Living Life Daily, Scripture Tagged With: , , , ,

The Dirty Job of Special Needs Parenting

February 19, 2013 8 Comments

ID-100139205“Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet.” (John 13:14, NIV)

“Bloody noses are just a nuisance,” the hematologist proclaimed.  I melted into tears and frustrated anger as we stood there in the exam room, sleep deprived and disheveled, lacking a desperately needed shower.

“YOU live with this and see how much of a nuisance this is!” I cried in response.  The doctor softened her edge as I buried my face into my hands.  She knew it took a great deal to push me to a point where I lose my diplomacy with staff.

We were in a period of constant and unexplained bleeding for my son with severe hemophilia.  Despite having ever-increasing amounts of clotting factor infused into his little veins, he was suffering from daily nosebleeds that lasted an hour or more.  We couldn’t go to church, to school or even to pick up groceries without a bleed starting up spontaneously.  The night before this exchange with the doctor, my husband and I had awoken to our boy crying in the middle of the kitchen, with the floor covered in pools of blood like a crime scene.  The sight of all of the blood was not only upsetting to us, but even more so to our son.  The more he cried, the worse he bled.  One of us tried to hold him still, applying pressure to his nose while the other sopped up the sticky crimson mess.  It was a nightmare.  Once we got the bleeding stopped, I began the meticulous process of washing and rinsing the stains off of his face and hair, between his fingers and under his chin.  We changed his pajamas and bed linens, soaking laundry to be dealt with in the too-soon-to-arrive morning.

When we became parents to children with special needs, I expected the expensive medical bills; I expected the change in lifestyle and accommodations; I expected fear, and anxiety, and sorrow; but I never expected that it would be such a truly dirty job.  Between our son’s bleeding disorder and our youngest daughter’s severe and rare allergies, we have had to endure some filthy, thankless circumstances throughout the years.  There was the Christmas season where our daughter threw up under the tree with yet another severe allergic reaction that put us in the emergency room.  Fa La La La La!  Then there year our son was hospitalized with a gastrointestinal bleed.  That was an entirely new venture into rancid smells, disgusting testing and repugnant maintenance.  Those are merely two of the many “nuisances” that have driven us to adorn ourselves in disposable gloves while raising our precious kids.

I know most of you can relate to what I am saying, because you have told me such at camp or when I give a talk.  I laughed the first time a group of mothers confessed to me that if you have a child with any sort of special need, you probably also deal with some sort of bowel trouble.  There are some of you whom I have the highest regard for as you press on maintaining feeding tubes, changing the diapers of teenagers or practicing the meticulous sterile procedure of using a port-a-cath.  Regardless of what the dirty job is, it can be the one thing that drives us to tears, especially in our most depleted moments, crying out to God, “Why me?”.

Yet, God always redeems.  Jesus asked us to do just what we’re doing.  In a much less overtly spiritual or notable way, we parents of these remarkable kids are washing feet just as Jesus commanded.  When we do this for our children, we are doing it to and for Christ.  This thought certainly elevates that which feels incredibly unsacred and makes it profound, doesn’t it?  Carrying out our duties with love and pressing on is a tender act of worship that we dare not miss.

I will confess that this is rarely the way I want to worship God.  I want a more comfortable form of praise and adoration that doesn’t require the high cost of heart ache and personal humility.  Still, this challenge is the purest form of adoration, maintaining deference to our awesome Lord.

Over the years, I have learned to laugh about the disgusting parts of my parenting life.  I often joke that you could spray our house with the blood-revealing Luminol and see it glow from outer space.  While that humor brings relief and is evidence of acceptance, more pleasing still is the understanding that our parenting trials are all part of God’s mission to which we are uniquely called.  How blessed we are when we can reflect knowing our encounters with the putrid are actually a divine privilege.

~Barbara Dittrich

Image courtesy of: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Filed Under: Barbara Dittrich, Joy, Living Life Daily, Patience Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Advice

January 15, 2013 3 Comments

adviceI sat there reeling as the doctor proclaimed, “Well, there’s no easy way to say it.  Charlie has hemophilia.”  It felt like a bad dream I was going to wake from.  My skin felt numb.  The lighting in the room seemed bright and psychedelic.  Surely this couldn’t be happening.  Yet, there I sat holding this sweet, innocent, fragile baby, my worst dream having become a reality.

As life went forward and we shared the news with people over time, they provided no shortage of comments and advice.  It was sadly evident that most of them had never read God’s words commanding us to, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” (Romans 12:15, NIV)  It seemed the vast majority of what came from people’s mouths was meant more to relieve them than to comfort or guide us.

Despite the stinging words of some, there were a few nuggets of truth that God implanted in my heart during those early days of diagnosis:

  • “You will redefine ‘normal’ in your life.” – This wisdom came from my older sister who already parented 3 boys, 2 of whom have hemophilia.  At a time where nothing felt normal, her comment seemed implausible.  Now I treasure its truth.  In the beginning, life seems so very out-of-control and desperately chaotic.  There is a fierce craving for normalcy.  Yet, it seems initially as if that may never be possible.  While it is true that life is never the same as it was pre-diagnosis, an average day seems to reshape in the family as time passes.  Over the years in my own family, we have adapted our daily schedule, our travel habits with hemophilia, my son’s school protocol, and other routine living.  It comes as a tremendous relief, but we only seem to identify it in retrospect.
  • “Nobody is going to show up at your door with a meal.  You need to give yourself a break with cooking.” – A girlfriend from church laid this bit of painful honesty at my feet one day.  She was right.  But she didn’t just sting me with this reality, she also introduced me to the beauty of ordering from the Schwan’s vendor in our neighborhood.  Few things are looked upon with such dread as pondering what to make the family for dinner after you have spent a long day at a doctor’s office, made an unexpected emergency room run or endured the mental and emotional strain of an IEP meeting.  And no one is knocking your door down on those days to offer help.  This bit of truth from my friend left me permanently aware of how important that evening meal is for a stressed family.  Since that time, I have found more economical alternatives to the Schwan’s vendor.  I always have some form of quick dinner in the freezer.  And I don’t beat up on myself for feeding the family too much pizza or pasta.
  • “Take some time away one evening a week that is just for you.” – This advice also came from the church girlfriend.  And she was right about this as well.  For much of the twelve years since our son’s birth, I have been known to spend an evening in a local coffee house with a favorite book.  Pulling away to enjoy quiet time that is without demands should be an essential part of every special needs parent’s self-care.  Put another way, a wiser, older pastor in my church says, “Come apart before you come apart!”  Following this advice from my girlfriend saved my sanity when the children were so small and my days were perpetually filled with diapers, potty training, doctor’s appointments and the never-ending demands of a young family.

Aside from sharing these nuggets of wisdom for you to use personally, I tell this tale to encourage you to become a more discerning listener.  God tells us in Proverbs 25:12, “A wise man speaking strong words to a listening ear is like a piece of gold for the ear and a beautiful object of fine gold.” (NLV)  This tells us that when we are eager to gain insights from what we hear, words from others can end up being extremely valuable in to us.  While the anguish of parenting a child with special needs can easily cause us to tune out the well-meaning advice of others, there just may be a useful morsel in what is said.  Pray for the Holy Spirit to be your filter, tuning out the bad, but placing the valuable in your own treasured tool chest.  Then you will be able to look back with fondness one day, as I have, at the ideas that strengthened you on your difficult journey.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

-Barbara Dittrich

Filed Under: Barbara Dittrich, Living Life Daily, Scripture Tagged With: , ,

I Can Relate!

December 28, 2012 1 Comment

Chelsea & Denise

“Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let’s not let it slip through our fingers. We don’t have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He’s been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let’s walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help.”  (Hebrews 4:14-16, MSG)

The other day I was speaking with another mom who has a child with hemophilia.  She was going through terrible difficulties with accessing a vein for his every-other-day IV infusion, the treatment regimen that gives him a full and reasonably healthy life.  When sharing her woes, my heart just broke for her.  I nodded my head in understanding and promises for prayers because we have been there too.  I could totally relate to her story.

Our faithful God is much the same in two remarkable ways.  First, we can go to Him directly with any trouble, frustration or concern we might have.  One translation of the Bible even says we should approach Him “boldly” because we realize that he can relate to what we’re going through.  After all, Jesus walked this earth and faced everything we face.  He was hungry, tired, frustrated, disappointed.  He even had family difficulties and was betrayed by friends.  He suffered tremendously, not only in always trying to do the right thing, but in His worldly poverty as well.  And of course, the pain and torture of the cross is far beyond what any of us have had to bear.  But He holds out great hope for us in that He triumphed over all of those things, not folding to sin and even overcoming the grave!  This experience and this success makes Jesus the go-to guy on every situation we need to talk about, whether big or small.

The second way He offers us comfort in situations like my conversation with my fellow “hemo mom” is that He works through other people in our lives.  It’s fact — God is more likely to use people and situations in our lives to do His work than He is to create some overwhelming divine event.  There are tremendous practical ways that He has ordained or created for us to connect with parents who have walked a mile in our shoes.  He blesses wonderful groups like The Coffee Klatch, a chat group that uses tools like Twitter, Facebook and Blog Talk Radio to connect parents all over the world with others who are also raising a child with special needs.  He opens doors through places like Support for Special Needs, a website that currently offers over 130 different community groups with everything from diagnosis-specific groups, to groups designated by location, to life-stage concerns, to personal interests.  Of course, there are countless supports through local causes, hospitals and school districts as well.  The organization which I have the privilege of running, SNAPPIN’ MINISTRIES even has a formal parent mentor program to pair you with someone to walk the journey with you.  The ways to find another parent or group of parents you can consult, complain or celebrate with is virtually boundless these days.

The point is, we have a God who is not disengaged from our challenges in life, although sometimes we may feel that way.  We have an awesome Lord who, although He didn’t have to, put Himself through all the icky, difficult parts of our lives, so we could always know that there’s hope, understanding and fellowship available to us at any time.  We have a God who hears our troubled prayers and replies, “I can relate!”  And that makes Him one amazing God indeed!

* The two fine moms in the photo used for this post also run a fabulous organization called Good Friend Inc which builds acceptance, awareness and empathy for kids on the autism spectrum amongst their peers and educators.  Check them out when you get a chance!

– Barbara Dittrich

Filed Under: Barbara Dittrich, Living Life Daily, Posts By Writers, Scripture Tagged With:
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 10,255 other followers

%d bloggers like this: